Only Humor of Mild Nature Here

 

The Atheist and the Shark   There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming toward his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head toward him. His boat is a long way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"      In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"     Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"     The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.    Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to  receive..."

Bear Warning

TOP 11 cards you'll never see in Hallmark:

11) "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!

I AM THANKFUL FOR

BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

Nancy and her Goldfish

he's inside your ****ing cat."

Show up naked.

The Chinese Laundry

"Use more paper on ass."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Hunting Beavers

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

The First Graders

"Winnie the Shit."

Los Angeles Driving Test

c)      Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

MATH PROFESSOR FAXES WIFE

Your wife

A Father And His Son

  The father replied, "That's my boy!"

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors by yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK : You get fired if you get caught.

   notice Of Increase In Tax Payments To All Male Taxpayers

Gentlemen:
The only thing the government has not yet taxed is your "PECKER."
Mainly because 98% of the time your pecker is out of work and the
2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents who are
both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning on April 1 of this year, your pecker will
be taxed according to its size. Use the Pecker-Checker scale
listed below to determine your tax.
Please insert the information on page 6, section P, subsection z,
line 69 of your State Income Tax Form.
Very truly yours,
IRS

Addendum:
PECKER-CHECKER SCALE
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

Please do not request an extension.

   A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to
review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to
interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the
wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to
waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a
candle factory and they send the temple new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?"
asked the auditor.
"Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send
them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal."
"All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that
you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the
leftovers from the circumcisions?"

"Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and
they send us you."

   A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill,
I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains
cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your
ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them
to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now
you have everything."

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

 

 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

  
TO: All Employees

From: Management

Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995, a
Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent
method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be
given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated
from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being
equipped with personnel identification stations and computer
linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks,
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal
and one under stress) to management by Feb. 10, 1995. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should familiarize
themselves with the stations during this period. It will be
restrictive starting March 1, 1995.

If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all
restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until
the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time
paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than
three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire
building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and
announce over the public announcing system the name of the
delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper
will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will
automatically open. If, at that time, the employee still remains
seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be
linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have
any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you
supervisor.

Thank You!

Management
 

  
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are
an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at
the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you
have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a
perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't
give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that
you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

  
For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from a mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four
year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response
time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a six year old is wonderful.

First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
three little pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where
the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy
Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 

  
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's
comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be drivingcars with
the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a
day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size
butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
off.
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and
grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM
subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want
them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
 

 
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcripts.

Epsidode 3.1 : Windows vs The Borg

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.)

Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade.' The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg
will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their
processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade.' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F..."

Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU
capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack.'

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft' logo!"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID
ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin
leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

Riker and Picard together (horrified): "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with pieces of paper."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red
tape' -- it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserves that."
 

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry pop. The
world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
 

   "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to
see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to
see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and
tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no
matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing
in the water????"

Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."
 

 
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are
free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think
its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by
the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture
into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the
entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...
etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when
you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't
fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is
failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing
access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the
house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter
the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you
selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to
release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due
out this year, but we've had some delays..."
 

 Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of

liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked

up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful

liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful

liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water

on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put

this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson...."
 was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of

liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked

up and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful

liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful

liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water

on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put

this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson...."
 

   Actual Letter Sent To a Bank
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in The New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of
your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is
an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight

pages,but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
(extension in living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
(Extension in bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature

   Pennsylvania Board Of Health On Alcohol

The
Pennsylvania Board Of Health Has Proposed That Warning Signs
Be Placed On Booze Bottles To Tip Off Drinkers About The Possible
Perils Of Alcohol.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings
like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really
big guy named Psycho.
 

   Confession

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the
closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet,
with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are

in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$75.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.

Let's
go

outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$100.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
 

  
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his friends.
--Ernest Hemingway

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
--Anonymous

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven....
--Brian O'Rourke

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

   A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked
it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

  
At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his

patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to

be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you

have only six months to live."

"Oh, my God," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in

he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any

suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After

all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to

live I'd better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded,

he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl, how come?"

"It'll seem longer."
 

   It All Happened One Day In Eden...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be
bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."

"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow.
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, there is one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
 

 Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
"Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made
cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time
was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went
off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity
finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went
off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." 

   I Missed
A priest and a nun went golfing one day. The priest seemed to
have an extremely foul mouth for a priest. He was first to putt.

"God damnit, I missed!" exclaimed the priest.

This upset the nun. She replied, "If you say that two more times,
God will send a bolt of lightning down from the sky at you!"

The priest then takes his second putt. "God damnit, I missed
again!" screamed the priest even louder.

The nun wasn't very happy with the priest this time. "If you say
that again, I know you will get struck by lightning. God doesn't
like his name used in vain."

This priest wasn't a very good golfer, for he missed again.
Ignoring the nun's threats, he yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

Then, all of a sudden, there came a huge bolt of lightning down
from the sky. It hit the nun. Then the clouds move and God peeks
down. He yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

 

   Bernie Schwartz is dead

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job

to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or

cremated.

As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was

about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie

Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said

the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a

tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the

dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a

briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have

something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his

briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

   The Creation of Women

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your
every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that
of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get
for a rib?"

   God's Pennies
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While
he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to
you?"

He replied, "One second."

The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million
dollars to you?"

And God replied, "A penny."

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I
have one of your pennies?"

And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

   God Created Man

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from
sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat
grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years.
You will be a DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too
much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's
house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they
give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10.
God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to
branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you
will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me
only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only
rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to
control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will
live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not
enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey
refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years
that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a
man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children
leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house
and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into
retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house
to house or from children to children, doing silly things to
amuse the grandchildren.
 

Restless God

What Women Know About Men 

Satan Goes To Church