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Only Humor of Mild Nature
Here |
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The Atheist and the Shark |
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The
Atheist and the Shark
There
is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees
this shark in the water, so he starts swimming toward his
boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head toward
him. His boat is a long way off and he starts swimming like
crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws
of the great white beast open revealing its
teeth in a
horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an
instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from
above.The man is motionless in the water when he hears the
voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me
when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast
with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies,
"Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the
shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord
replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the
heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once
again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the
shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark
stops and pulls back.
Shocked,
the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes
and bows
its head and
says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to
receive..."
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Bear Warning |
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The
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters
and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears
while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little
bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't
expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper
spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are small and
contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have
little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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TOP 11 cards you'll never see in Hallmark: |
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1)
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
wife."
2) "I must admit, you
brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met
you."
3) "If I get only one
thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
4) "Congratulations on
your promotion! Take this knife out of my back. You'll probably
need it again."
5) "I just want you to
know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you
survived."
6) "Sex with you is
like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough
to admit it."
7) "Just remember...
Jesus Loves You- Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!"
8) "I'm so miserable
without you, it's almost like you're here."
9) "Congratulations on
your new baby! Did you ever find out who the father was?"
10) "You are such a
good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only
one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."
11) "Happy Birthday,
Uncle Dad!! |
|
 I
AM THANKFUL FOR |
|
FOR THE
TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING T.V., BECAUSE
THAT MEANS HE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES
THAT I PAY,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO
CLEAN AFTER A PARTY,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW
THAT WATCHES ME WORK,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT
NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED
FIXING,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE
COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE
HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE
PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT
MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH
TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE
HEATING BILL,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY
BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I
CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF
LAUNDRY AND IRONING,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS
AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM
THAT GOES OF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I
AM ALIVE.
AND
FINALLY.......
FOR TOO MUCH
E-MAIL,
BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. |
|
Nancy and her Goldfish |
|
Little
Nancy was in the
garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was
up
to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied
Nancy tearfully,
without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down
the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your ****ing cat." |
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How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time |
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Caress,
praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice
for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust,
grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up,
hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal,
climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue,
respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of,
promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole,
angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate,
alleviate, spotweld, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble,
gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor
of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, blush, dribble, drip,
dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then
go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A
MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked. |
|
The Chinese Laundry |
|
woman sends her clothing out to
the Chinese
laundry. When it comes back there
are still stains in
her panties.
The next week she encloses a note
to the Chinese
laundryman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks,
the woman
sending the same note to the
laundry. "Use more soap
on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man
responded with
his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass." |
|
First Class Blonde |
|
On a plane bound for New York,
the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first
class section and requested that she move to coach since she did
not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm a blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a
customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with
her. He went to talk with the blonde asking her to please move out
of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm a
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, an I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to
a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first
class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately
jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why
didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant
and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded
her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class
section wasn't going to New York." |
|
Hunting Beavers |
|
An 85-year old man is having his
annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how
he is feeling "I've got an
eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my
child. What do you think about
that?"
The Doctor considers this for a
moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know of guy who's
an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a
hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. So
he's walking in the woods near a creek and
suddenly spots a beaver in some
brush in front of him! He raises up his
umbrella, points it at the beaver
and squeezed the handle. BAM!!!! The
beaver drops dead in front of
him.
"That's impossible!", says the
old man in disbelief, "Someone else must
have shot that beaver."
The Doctor says, "My point
exactly." |
|
THE RIGHT AGE FOR CUSSING
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|
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are
upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old.
"I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 5 year old continues.
"When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." OK?" The 4 year
old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen
and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast
young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But
you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." |
|
The First Graders |
|
The kindergartners were now in
the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up
since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use
grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell
her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went
to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, No, you
went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went
for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you
went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third
little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that
he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed
out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit." |
|
Los Angeles Driving Test |
|
For those of you who are not
"fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the
California Driver's Exam;
This is a new exam. Since driving
conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not
have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has
now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S
LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name:
________________
Agent:______________
Attorney:__________________
Sex:___male ___female ___
formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast
implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants
hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone:
________.
If you don't own a cell phone,
please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ]
Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you
perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the
back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment
to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already
checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at
other drivers ______
b) how many times you expect
to be shot at whiledriving______
If you are the victim of a
carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report
the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to
report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed
chase
c) Call your attorney and
discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not
going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South
Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake,
should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for
the best
c) immediately use your cell
phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video
camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you
should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as
usual
c) you're not sure what
"rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy
sessions per week:____.
Are you presently taking any of
the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain:
__________________
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should
you:
a) Pull over and have your
driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by
driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) Have your video camera
ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a
hefty lawsuit. |
|
MATH PROFESSOR FAXES WIFE |
|
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54
years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able
to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by
the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel,
there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by
the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times
than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your wife |
|
A Father And His Son |
|
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the
difference
between potentially and realistically?" The father pondered for a
while,
then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford
for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have
learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I
would. I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just
love to
do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went
back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
between
potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially
we're
sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living
with two
sluts."
The father replied, "That's my boy!" |
|
Work Vs. Prison |
|
IN PRISON: You spend
the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the
doors by yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK : You get fired if you get caught. |
|
Murphy's Top 10 Laws of Computing |
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural. 7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up. 8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do. |
|
|
Dirty Sounding Law |
Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 dirty law statement.....
1. Think you can get me off?
|
|
Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male |
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
|
|
Sneakers |
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My
feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers
please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
|
|
Old Lady & the Bank President |
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The
bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as
a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked
them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his
balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could
all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000
is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What
the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
|
|
Old Soldier |
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet
and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open
and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr. Reiss, did you know
that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to
look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have
some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the
way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning,
did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
|
|
Old Man at the Bank |
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at
the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. They both return and the manager
asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?" |
|
IRS & Male Tax Payers |
|
notice Of Increase In Tax Payments To All Male Taxpayers
Gentlemen:
The only thing the government has not yet taxed is your "PECKER."
Mainly because 98% of the time your pecker is out of work and the
2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents who are
both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning on April 1 of this year, your pecker will
be taxed according to its size. Use the Pecker-Checker scale
listed below to determine your tax.
Please insert the information on page 6, section P, subsection z,
line 69 of your State Income Tax Form.
Very truly yours,
IRS
Addendum:
PECKER-CHECKER SCALE
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension. |
|
Rabi Vs The IRS |
|
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to
review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to
interrogate the rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the
wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.
The rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to
waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a
candle factory and they send the temple new candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?"
asked the auditor.
"Simple," the rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send
them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal."
"All right" said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that
you are a moyel as well as a rabbi. What do you do with the
leftovers from the circumcisions?"
"Easy" said the rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC... and
they send us you." |
|
Businessman on his Deathbed |
|
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill,
I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains
cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your
ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them
to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now
you have everything." |
|
Actual Employee Evaluations |
|
The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to
achieve them.
10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the
better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
14. A room temperature I.Q.
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that
holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished
using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains
isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out
looking for it.
25. He's so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get
change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
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Are You Kidding? |
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Employee
Bathroom Privileges |
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TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the
restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995, a
Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent
method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be
given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated
from month to month.
Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being
equipped with personnel identification stations and computer
linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks,
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal
and one under stress) to management by Feb. 10, 1995. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should familiarize
themselves with the stations during this period. It will be
restrictive starting March 1, 1995.
If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all
restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until
the first of the month.
In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time
paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than
three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire
building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and
announce over the public announcing system the name of the
delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper
will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will
automatically open. If, at that time, the employee still remains
seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be
linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.
Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have
any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you
supervisor.
Thank You!
Management
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Doggie
Goes Out For A Job
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are
an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at
the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you
have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a
perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't
give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that
you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
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Subject:
Things To Learn From Children....
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For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from a mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a
superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A
magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four
year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response
time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a six year old is wonderful.
First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
three little pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story
where
the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for
his
home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have
some of
that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy
Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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